Every year as a teacher, I start off the year by asking the students what they want their classroom to look like in the context of Class Expectations. Inevitably, “Be Respectful” ends up on that list. As we are going through the list, I ask the class, “What does that mean?”

Often the student’s responses are things like ‘the Golden Rule’ and treat others as you want to be treated. I then explain how that is an example of respect, but what is it really?

We start by describing what it feels like to be disrespected. It can be embarrassing, scary, shaming, and a slew of other not-so-great- feeling things. But what it really comes down to is ‘safety’. Emotional safety, psychological safety, and physical safety. “Am I safe?”

What it really comes down to is ‘safety’. Emotional safety, psychological safety, and physical safety. “Am I safe?”

When I learned this in therapy, it sorta blew the lid off. Looking back in my relationships I wondered if I’d ever felt safe? I would think about the horrible fights, the mean things said (no emotional safety), and the gaslighting (no psychological safety). What about when I would try and explain I’d been hurt...I never felt safe to do that. It would be used against me either then or down the road. What about my friendships? Work relationships? Bosses?  This realization told me two things...1) I definitely needed to reexamine my relationships and adjust my expectations and 2) I had some work to do myself with becoming a respectful partner/friend/person. 

Now that I knew what I could expect from my relationships, all of a sudden I could see why I needed to provide that to my partners and relationships as well. When I’m hurting, I need to be able to express that in a safe place with my partner. I needed to be able to be vulnerable and not have that used for manipulation later. Creating a safe place for sharing our vulnerabilities is such a huge part of a healthy relationship. I had to be able to offer that if I wanted to be in a healthy relationship and expect it back.

From here, I knew where I had to explore my own issues that would prevent me from being able to offer that. After sitting with it for a while, I realized that I could easily become defensive, even when partners were being open, honest, and vulnerable. My ego was too high. Of course, a large part of that is choosing a partner that knows how to communicate in non-threatening ways...again, I also had to be willing to be a partner that offered the same thing. Learning about Ego and Enlightenment were helpful starting places. 

When I first started exploring this idea, it didn’t come right away. My therapist sent me home with some homework to think back on all of my friendships and relationships. She asked who I’ve truly, truly felt safe with. Safe to be me. Safe to mess up. Safe to say I was upset. Other than family, I could only name about 3 friends. And they have been my longest, best friends. And it hit me. This is what healthy relationships look like. That set the bar from then on out. I needed to feel like that in all of my relationships moving forward. 

As humans, and living beings, we deserve a basic level of respect. And at the same time, we owe that to others. Thinking in this way has me walking around viewing everything differently. When I interact with people, am I doing so in respectful ways? Would they feel safe? What about when they’ve upset me or disrespected me, can I still be respectful? I started using that as an opportunity to practice boundaries. At the end of the day, I get to choose who stays in my life. If someone can't be respectful, then they can't stay in my life. Understanding respect became a huge first step in becoming a better version of myself and knowing what I could start to expect from others.